It was a Saturday in June when I noticed it properly for the first time. I was in a changing room in the Zara on Oxford Street, the one with the long mirrors and the lighting that doesn't do anyone any favours, trying on a pair of shorts I'd picked up from a rail because they were the right colour and approximately the right size.
I put them on and looked at myself and stood there for a moment longer than I meant to. It wasn't the shorts. The shorts were fine.
It was my thighs. The texture of them. The dimpling across the top and outer part that I'd been vaguely aware of for years but had never really stopped and looked at properly, not like this, not in this light, not in shorts this short.
I turned slightly to see the side view and stood there in this tiny changing room cubicle on a Saturday afternoon being quite still and thinking about it. Then I put my jeans back on, hung the shorts back on the hanger, and left.
I didn't buy anything.
On the way home on the tube I made a plan. I was going to deal with it properly this time. I was thirty one years old and I was going to do the things you were supposed to do and I was going to be consistent and it was going to work.
The first thing I bought was a dry brush. Every article I read recommended dry brushing. They recommended it with such confidence, such specificity, that it seemed impossible it wouldn't work. Five minutes before your shower, upward strokes toward the heart, improve circulation, stimulate lymphatic drainage, regular use essential.
I set an alarm for seven fifteen every morning so I'd have time before work. I was consistent. I did it for twenty three days without missing one. I counted.
At the end of the twenty three days I looked at my thighs and they looked exactly the same. I told myself I hadn't given it long enough and kept going for another few weeks, but without the alarm, and then without the same regularity, and then I stopped and put the brush in the cabinet under the sink where it has remained ever since.
The cream was next. I spent forty five pounds on it, which felt like enough money to mean it would work. The packaging was serious and clinical and the reviews were four point seven stars from over six hundred people. I used it twice a day, morning and evening, massaged in properly the way the instructions said. I used it for two months. I finished one tube and bought a second. I was more consistent with the cream than I'd been with anything.
I used it while watching television in the evening. I built it into my routine so thoroughly that it stopped feeling like an effort. At the end of two months I looked at my thighs and they looked exactly the same.
Then the gym. I started going four times a week, which was more than I'd managed before, and I worked specifically on my legs, squats and lunges and the kind of targeted work that fitness accounts on Instagram said would help. After three months I was genuinely stronger. My legs looked better in the specific way that more muscle makes everything look better. But the texture was still there.
The dimpling at the top of my thighs was still there. Nothing had changed about that specifically.
At some point during all of this, I'm not sure exactly when, I started turning the light off before I got undressed. I didn't decide to do it. I didn't think, right, I am going to start turning the light off. It just started happening. I'd go into the bedroom in the evening to get changed and my hand would reach for the light switch without me thinking about it, and I'd get undressed in the dark, and I'd put my pyjamas on in the dark, and then I'd reach for the lamp on the bedside table.
I didn't notice I was doing it for quite a while. It had become automatic. There were other things. A hen do in Ibiza the previous September where I'd bought three different swimsuits trying to find one that would manage it and had worn a sarong for most of the pool days anyway. The group photos from the pool where I was in the back row with my hands on the shoulders of the person in front of me and my lower half not visible.
These weren't dramatic acts of avoidance. They were small practical adjustments that had accumulated over time until they were just part of how I moved through things.
Priya had tried to get me to come to a spa day with her in April, the kind with outdoor pools and a hot tub, and I'd said I couldn't make it that weekend. I could have made it. I just didn't want to explain the sarong.
The part that bothered me the most, when I actually let myself think about it, wasn't the texture itself. It was how normal the management of it had started to feel. The light switch. The sarong. The changing rooms where I didn't buy things.
None of it felt like a crisis. It just felt like how things were now, and I had quietly arranged my behaviour around it, and I hadn't even noticed I was doing it until I was standing in a garden in July watching Priya walk across the grass in a green swimsuit and thinking that something looked different.